10. Phil Mickelson

Everything he does seems forced and faked. Unlike the A-Rod (see below) he HAS got his lines down, but it is all so contrived. I’m not sure, but I might be the only one who thinks he’s a big veiny dick.

9. Alex Rodriguez

The depths of this guy’s ineptitude when it comes to “building relationships” and “being likeable” seem almost vaguely sociopathic. Too bad he started hitting a bit in the playoffs. I always enjoyed the post-season meltdowns.

8. Randy Johnson

Remember when he smashed that guy’s camera? What a dickspazz. I also hear he’s a born-again Christian. Major dick move. Though I heard that from a raving religious lunatic outside of the Kingdome in 1997. Should maybe check my sources on that one.

7. Dany Heatley

Let’s just forget about the whole *cough* vehicular manslaughter thing and focus on what a self-centered baby this strap-on dildo is. He complains about his diminishing role in Ottawa and then blocks a trade to Edmonton. Now he’s with the Sharks lighting it up. The Senators got 65 cents on the dollar for him. I hate his dick face.

6. Michael Vick

I don’t really care about dogs, but it’s still a big dick move to kill animals. How bored can you really be to start thinking this kind of shit is cool?!

5. Stephon Marbury

He’s actually more of a funny dick, but man, that press release he just put out saying “Stephon’s taking the year off to build his empire.” Oh man. That was pure gold. You’re washed up. You’re a dick. Nobody wants you and no fans give a flying shit if you retire or disappear of the face of the Earth for that matter. He should stay around for entertainment value, but man what a dick.

4. Vince Carter

Always always always have hated Vince. The absolute prototype for underachieving, overpaid, quit on your team and fake an injury pro athlete babies. Let’s hope for Dwight Howard’s sake that he cleans up his act. Doubtful.

3. Kobe Bryant

What a smug dick. And let’s not get being a dick get confused with being one of the best basketball players to ever lace up. He’s obviously unbelievably good. Just a stinky junk sack of a human being. I puke in my mouth every time he pretends to give a shit about one of his teammates.

2. Barry Bonds

Oh man. What a penis. I know he’s been out of the game for a couple of years, but he’s tough to forget. I love how he had his own nook in the Giants’ clubhouse and that nobody was supposed to bother him. How he picked fights with the media EVERY NIGHT. I even love how a huge dick, Jeff Kent, looked like he was in the right throughout their pissy poopy baby feud that they had for all those years. Good lord. I hate Barry Bonds.

1. Terrell Owens

Anyone tired of this asshole yet? At least his skills are diminishing and soon he’ll be relegated to some shitty reality show that I’ll never have to watch. Oh, he already has his own reality show? Gross. TO has 25 million reasons to beat it. The fact that the Bills are going to win five or fewer games this year makes me smile. A lot.