Yeah. I know what you’re thinking. What kind of horrible people would schedule their wedding on Super Bowl Sunday? Who the hell gets married in the middle of Wisconsin in February anyway? People who hate football, that’s who.

I don’t know who those people are in that picture, but they look like they’re having a good time. I bet they didn’t get married during football season.

Well, I love my sister, so I agreed to be one of her groomsmen on February 7, 2010. Her fiancé seems like a nice enough guy, even though he’s a vegetarian. I’m fairly certain he gets manicures on a regular basis, and he obviously hates football. These three things are enough to make me want to bitch-slap him, but since we’re going to be related in like two months, I’ll have to curb my violent urges and continue to do that stupid knuckle fist-pump explosion thing he calls a greeting when we see each other.

This is the only scenario I can think of that is worse than having your wedding on deer hunting opener weekend. It’s barbaric.

Down to this wedding business. It’d be one thing if the guys were all dressed as linebackers and the bridesmaids were dolled up as cheerleaders before we all watched the big game. In fact, if I ever get married, that’s probably how it will go down. But no, I have to rent a monkey suit and show up at the church at 3pm just like everybody else. Then I have to stand, kneel, stand, kneel, stand, kneel for two hours and wait another hour just to eat tofu stir fry and watch people do the electric slide. By that time, the Super Bowl pre-game show should be starting.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE PEOPLE? I’ve come up with 10 pretty bad excuses, but I might need your help to cushion the blow, especially if my Minnesota Vikes make it to the Big Show. Which they will.

10. I have diarrhea. First of all, no one is going to think I’m lying. Who would lie about that? Second, no one wants to touch, let alone be near anyone with the squirts.

9. I have to return my tux. Do places rent tuxes by the hour?

8. I have the swine flu. On the same lines as #10, no one wants any part of that.

7. I have a bomb. This one might be a little risky… I don’t think they show the Super Bowl in jail.

6. I have to do my taxes. In all honesty, it might actually take me two months to get them done.

5. I have jury duty. Hey, no one wants to be held in contempt.

4. I’ve been drafted by the army and have to leave for Iraq immediately. This one could get tricky when I show up at Easter dinner.

3. I’ve been car-jacked on the way to the reception. What’s that noise? Oh, the assailants are holding me hostage at a sports bar.

2. I have a manicure appointment. My new bother-in-law might understand this excuse.

1. I’m gay. My parents would disown me, but I’d definitely be able to watch the Super Bowl.

Any ideas?

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