Tiger Woods, one of the hottest trending topics in celebrity news since Thanksgiving, said in a statement Wednesday that he let his family down with “transgressions” he regrets “with all of [his] heart.” However, instead of letting us in on exactly what transgressions he’s talking about, he says he prefers to deal with his issues behind closed doors. 

A cover story in Us Weekly magazine (you know, the one your lonely wife reads while in line at the market) ”reported” a 31-month affair between the world’s #1 golfer and Jaimee Grubbs, a Los Angeles cocktail waitress and recent Tool Academy airhead. Woods answered questions of his infidelity on his website:

“I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves,” he wrote. “I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.”

Grubbs informed US Weekly that she met Woods at a Las Vegas nightclub the week after the 2007 Masters, which fell just two months before Woods’ wife, Elin, gave birth to their first child. She claims to have proof in over 300 text messages, which she hung onto likely because she’s a money-grubbing bitchface home-wrecker.

As badly as we’d all love to hear the juicy, raunchy details, maybe we should put this embarrassing situation into perspective. If you were Woods, and you made the horribly-thought out choice of cheating on your gorgeous wife and mother of your children, would you want the entire world to know? And once the entire world did find out, wouldn’t you want it to be put behind you?

Would you like the entire world to know that you have sex dreams about Derek Jeter, or hear a voicemail like the one Woods left for Grubbs?

“Hey, it’s, uh, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Um, can you please, uh, take your name off your phone. My wife went through my phone. And, uh, may be calling you. If you can, please take your name off that and, um, and what do you call it just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. That’s it, OK. You gotta do this for me. Huge. Quickly. All right. Bye.”

The difference between us and Tiger — aside from his outstanding golfing ability– is that the world will forgive him, and will move on. Believe it or not, he is just one of millions of cheating douchebags on this earth. He just happens to be famous. And really good at golf.