The Blind Side is coming to a theater near you this Friday. I’m actually pretty excited to see it, but it got me thinking: is this going to be another one of those movies that I was really fired up about but ended up doing nothing but piss me off by the time the credits rolled? I sure hope not, because it really is a wonderfully heart-warming story. However, like most normal people, I can’t stand Sandra Bullock, so she might just ruin it for me and the rest of the sports movie-loving world. On the other hand, I’m in love with Tim McGraw, so he might save the day.
Sports movies are supposed to evoke emotion, not vomiting. They’re supposed to be breath-taking, hopeful, exciting and enlightening. We are supposed to want to watch them over and over again, quote them, and them watch them again. Of course, there are a lot of great sports movies out there, but there are far more crappy ones. There are the ones we never, ever want to see again and wish we could forget. We’d like our money and two hours back.
Anyway, this thought process encouraged me to compile a list of the flicks that, in my humble viewing opinion, sucked. A lot. I sincerely hope The Blind Side never replaces any of these. In fact, if anyone ever makes a movie worse than any of these ten, they should be drug out into the street and beat down with something made of metal.
For obvious reasons, I’ve eliminated the use of sequels altogether, since slapping a Roman Numeral on the end of a title almost guarantees its suckiness. Example: Caddy Shack II. Right? Right.
10. The Legend of Bagger Vance. I would very much like to hear Will Smith drop an F-bomb someday. This movie was supposed to have an award-winning cast, but the atrocious adaptation screwed all that up. It was probably a great novel, but I’ll never know because I wouldn’t be able to get Matt Damon’s stupid face out of my head if I ever decided to read it. (This one almost didn’t make the list due to Charlize Theron’s hotness.)
9. The Cutting Edge. Even as a 10-year-old girl I knew this movie sucked.
8. Ladybugs. Oh Rodney Dangerfield, you really know how to play the creepy uncle who always got too drunk and handsy at Thanksgiving supper. Teaching young boys to cross dress in an attempt to get closer to the chick he has the hots for is not the way to go, kids. Besides, the title sounds more like a 1950s horror flick.
7. The Babe. How dare anyone make such an awful movie about one of the most beloved baseball players of this century? I pretty much wanted to kick John Goodman in the balls for accepting the part of Ruth until he redeemed himself in The Big Lebowski — quite possibly the best sports movie of all time… cause bowling is totally a sport.
6. The Main Event. I love boxing, so you’d think I’d love a movie about boxing, like all of the Rocky’s save for Rocky V. This one sucker punched my brain. Really, ”Kid Natural?” What a stupid name. Also, Barbara Streisand is in it, so yeah. Enough said.
5. The Fan. Robert DeNiro is one of those great actors that has just been in way to many movies for his own good. The concept of the movie was awesome: crazy fanatic kidnaps star baseball player’s son in an effort to make him play the game his way. What made the movie awful was the fact that it was incredibly unrealistic while having realistic intentions. Does that make sense? Whatever, the ending sucked.
4. Angels In The Outfield. For crying out loud, this movie was only enjoyable to children who still believe in the Tooth Fairy. Maybe they could’ve spent a few bucks on some special effects to make the angels flying around near the outfield walls dropping balls into gloves a little more convincing. Cause you know, the whole concept is totally believable.
3. Cool Runnings. No crappy sports movie list is complete without this one. One dream. Four Jamaicans. Twenty below zero. Quite possibly the catchiest tagline ever! This movie was slightly racially insensitive and made an unfunny mockery of a true story. Also, no pot references? I know so many people who liked this movie. I’ll never get it. What were you thinking Doug E. Doug?
2. The Scout. Never before has a sports movie gone this far into the story (over an hour) before we got to see any action. Halfway into the film I thought to myself, “Umm, I thought this was about baseball?”
1. Any Given Sunday. I desperately wanted this movie to kick ass. I think we all did. Sadly, it did not. Stop yelling at me, Al Pacino! And yes, Cameron Diaz is a babe.
Honorable mention: Wimbledon. I’m sure this movie sucked, but I’ll never know for sure because I’ll never watch it. On that note, I hope this list was satisfactory, but we all have our opinions. What crappy sports movie did I miss? I wish there was top 10 sports bets ever made prop betting at some sportsbook.
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Cool Runnings was awesome! But you forgot Rollerball, if that even counts.
You obviously were not a football player/in close contact with football players, as Any Given Sunday would be one of THE BEST football movies created. Al Pacino’s “Inches” speech is amazing and well, the movie itself kicked A$$. Cool Runnings is an amazing as well.
Brandon, I actually LOVE the game. Though I have never had a professional football career, I grew up watching it, playing it in the backyard, listening to my dad’s stories from his college days, and watching all 3 of my brothers play… in addition to being a diehard Badgers and Packers fan.
You’re right as far as the speech – that did make the movie worth watching. I just didn’t like the film as a whole. It wasn’t the storyline as much as the casting and the complete lack of dialogue with a ridiculous soundtrack. And Al Pacino as a head coach? C’mon. Dennis Quaid as the star QB? Not happening. Jamie Foxx was a little more believable as the replacement, but the only person they truly cast correctly (in my humble, disagreed-with opinion) was Ann-Margret as the boozehound mother of Cameron Diaz.
Anyway, this isn’t a film review, it’s just a Top 10 list. P.S. I refuse to believe Cool Runnings was “awesome” or “amazing” but I might consider replacing it with Days of Thunder, which sucked so bad I almost forgot about it. Thanks for the comment!
I would have left off Ladybugs and stuck to movies about sports from High School level on up. IMHO there have to be 10+ sports movies worse than The Fan and Any Given Sunday, which are not perfect films but by no means awful. Despite some differences of opinion this was a fun read. Bottom Ten lists are always more amusing than Top 10, with notable exception of those compiled by David Letterman.
p.s. – Wimbeldon was by no means memorable but wasn’t horiffic either. One of those movies you forget almost everything about within a few days of having watched it.
As a Vikings fan, I’d like to take this opportunity to gloat…
Cool Runnings blows. A story about a Jamaican bobsled team that takes place in Jamaica and doesn’t makes only one offhand reference to ganja! Seriously? I know it’s Disney, but they put perverted anti-semtic and racist shit in everything they do, but no pot jokes for the adults?
Any Given Sunday shouldn’t be on this list. Oliver Stone, regardless of what you think of his politics is a fucking master.
Also, no mention of the “Air Bud” Franchise?
How about “She’s the Man?”
The 3rd, 4th or 5th Might Ducks (I think its up to 5 now)?
How about Snow Dogs? Dogsledding I think qualifies as a sport.
You could easily replace Bagger Vance and honestly, The Babe wasn’t nearly as bad as the aforementioned movies.
Good list, but a bit limited in scope.
Nicholas, thank you for your outstanding take on how dumb Cool Runnings was.
As far as the amazing number of Mighty Ducks movies, I left all sequels off the list since it would be made up entirely of them if I didn’t. I haven’t seen Air Bud, Snow Dogs, or She’s The Man, but I’m willing to bet if I’d watch them they’d be added to the list. Maybe I’ll get ripped and have a shitty Disney Sports Movie Marathon someday and create a Top 20.
I almost put Juwanna Man on the list based on the cover alone, but I haven’t managed to watch that one, either.
Also, as a Packers fan living in St. Cloud, MN, I don’t get nearly enough gloating, so thanks for that.
Any Given Sunday is absolute crap, and I played football. The uniforms alone make it worthy of placement in the Hall of Shame, not to mention Pacino’s hack and over-the-top performance.