Excuse me while I collect my thoughts. I have some disturbing news to report. Brace yourselves football fans… Tom Brady will not be playing in the Pro Bowl this year. It’s cathartic to weep uncontrollably and scream “Why! Oh why!” at the top of your lungs, so go ahead and take a few moments.

How will we move on? More importantly, can we move on after hearing of this tragedy? Honestly, I don’t know. There are already 147 reasons not to watch the meaningless and uninspired display of football seen at the annual NFL All-Star game. Make that 148 reasons. If Golden Boy isn’t going to participate, what’s the point?

The winning smile. The man-about-town lifestyle. The full head of luscious hair. It’s all gone. Now we’re left to pick up the pieces of our crushed existence. To those who care, and I seriously doubt anyone does, Matt Schaub of the Texans will replace Tom on the AFC roster. Matt Schaub with his goofy smile and zombie-like stare? That’s what I call a downgrade.

To recap: Tom Brady has pulled out of the Pro Bowl. He should have pulled out years ago. Then maybe he wouldn’t have kids with two different women. That was uncalled for on my part. I apologize to Gisele, lil’ Benjamin and the bastard child he had with Bridget Moynahan. They, like us, are all innocent victims.

Damn you Tom Brady! Why can’t I quit you?!

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