Yeah. I know what you’re thinking. What kind of horrible people would schedule their wedding on Super Bowl Sunday? Who the hell gets married in the middle of Wisconsin in February anyway? People who hate football, that’s who.

I don’t know who those people are in that picture, but they look like they’re having a good time. I bet they didn’t get married during football season.

Well, I love my sister, so I agreed to be one of her groomsmen on February 7, 2010. Her fiancé seems like a nice enough guy, even though he’s a vegetarian. I’m fairly certain he gets manicures on a regular basis, and he obviously hates football. These three things are enough to make me want to bitch-slap him, but since we’re going to be related in like two months, I’ll have to curb my violent urges and continue to do that stupid knuckle fist-pump explosion thing he calls a greeting when we see each other.

In light of Tiger Woods’ Thanksgiving weekend romp over a fire hydrant– a situation in which no one but he and his wife will ever know what really happened — I’ve compiled a list of athletes making complete and utter asses of themselves over the last decade, which should fit in nicely with our Memorable Moments series. Whether the country’s #1 golfer was having an affair, arguing with his wife, drunk, or sleep-walking, his middle-of-the-night fiasco doesn’t come close to some of the crap these yahoos got busted doing.

We’re gonna go ahead and stick to the last decade and completely rule out dog-fighting and murderous rampages, just to keep it a little more current and a little less heinous.

11. In November of 2008, Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself at a Manhattan nightclub, where he was arrested for carrying an unlicensed firearm. He is now serving a two-year prison sentence since the bullet narrowly missed a security guard. What a moron.

We all say some pretty stupid things sometimes. Athletes, however, say them into microphones.

We laugh at these idiotic utterances because these assholes make 10 times more money than we do, doing something that we’d give our left nut to do for a living. Get paid to play golf? Yes, please. Make at the very least $495,000 a year to ride the Marlins’ bench? I’ll take it. Earn millions of dollars to play football? Do I even need to answer that?

Sadly, not everyone is born with enough talent to be paid to play sports. And not everyone who is paid to play sports was ever forced to grasp the concept of English grammar much less subjects such as science, math and geography.

10.“I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”
- Andre Dawson

The Blind Side is coming to a theater near you this Friday. I’m actually pretty excited to see it, but it got me thinking: is this going to be another one of those movies that I was really fired up about but ended up doing nothing but piss me off by the time the credits rolled? I sure hope not, because it really is a wonderfully heart-warming story. However, like most normal people, I can’t stand Sandra Bullock, so she might just ruin it for me and the rest of the sports movie-loving world. On the other hand, I’m in love with Tim McGraw, so he might save the day.

Sports movies are supposed to evoke emotion, not vomiting. They’re supposed to be breath-taking, hopeful, exciting and enlightening. We are supposed to want to watch them over and over again, quote them, and them watch them again. Of course, there are a lot of great sports movies out there, but there are far more crappy ones. There are the ones we never, ever want to see again and wish we could forget. We’d like our money and two hours back.