Aaron F. Boone is officially retired now and is joining ESPN’s Baseball Tonight.  I have several thoughts about this.  Firstly, I did not realize Aaron F. Boone was not already retired.  Apparently he appeared in 10 games last year with Houston ending a completely lackluster career.  Apparently he hit some biggish playoff home run, but I’ve never seen it, and the loser team he was on got their asses handed to them in the World Series by a turquoise-clad expansion team.  So he will not be missed.

But what is ESPN thinking?  I don’t recall ever hearing Boone speak, but I think he has famous relatives.  But all Baseball Tonight has is one one-nut barrel of laughs, John Kruk, and occasional appearances by the mildly interesting and marvelously mustached Dave Winfield. Otherwise it’s just a rotating cycle of craptastic ex-benchwarmers.  None of whom instantly piss off Red Sox fans.

I used to love the Winter Olympics but I really haven’t been able to get into the Vancouver games.  The one good thing I see so far is that people are starting to take notice of curling, which combines something mildly interesting with the bizarre awesomeness of listening to a Canadian commentator’s rapture describing the strategy and intrigue of a game played primarily with brooms.

Speaking of things I sort of love but don’t really watch, there’s that adorable scamp David Letterman.  While Letterman did have the best commercial of the Super Bowl, the last time I thought about him was to wonder if he had made a pass at my former roommate who interned for him when she was a senior in college.

Now worlds collide as I have found video of a recent Late Show Top 10 list devoted to curling.  Most of it is shameful curling bashing, but numbers two and three made me laugh.  Enjoy:

Now that spring training is upon us and the pretend games are ready to start, SportsUntapped presents a two-part series listing the Top 5 Off-Field MLB Stories and Top 5 On-Field MLB Stories of the offseason.  Yesterday, y’all get the off-field list, so today the on-field stories….

5. Cuban youngster Aroldis Chapman bizarrely signs with the Cincinnati Reds.

Patrick “Smitty” Smith gave the best explanation for the young Cuban’s strange decision.

4. Cardinals and Mets grossly overpay overrated outfielders, one who tries to catch playoff line drives with his balls, the other with no balls.

So what part of Matt Holliday’s epic NLDS nut shot made the Cardinals want to shower him with money to make him a Cardinal for life?  In 2008, Jason Bay chose to sit out several important September games with pennant race implications just to watch his wife poop out their second daughter.  Not that there’s much chance of the Mets having important games this September, but that money would have been better spent on Gary Sheffield.

Now that spring training is upon us and the pretend games are ready to start, SportsUntapped presents a two-part series listing the Top 5 Off-Field MLB Stories and Top 5 On-Field MLB Stories of the offseason.  Today, y’all get the off-field list….

5. Kate Hudson dumps Alex Rodriguez

Almost Famous remains permanently ruined.

4. Matt Kemp gets with Rihanna

Supposedly they’re just friends, but I don’t put my hands on my friends’ asses like that.

3. Derek Jeter gets a restaurant hostess fired a few weeks before Christmas

Jeter misses a clutch opportunity to help out one of his fans.

2. Mark McGwire finally admits he did steroids, sort of apologizes, continues bitching about media attention

1. Derek Jeter stars in Tiger Woods’ sex dream

At least one of Tiger’s mistresses was one of Jeter’s exes.  The money quote: