Athletic press conferences are routinely botched. Badly. For instance, Tiger Woods’ recent press conference featured any number of problematic decisions made by his PR staff.

You could say the same thing for basically anyone who gets in trouble — it seems as if the people in charge of athletes very, very rarely know how to control their clients and keep them from doing stupider things that only serve to exacerbate their original problem.

With that in mind, here’s a handy reference guide to handling your press conference the next time you get busted driving around drunk with a needle in your arm and a dead hooker on your lap.

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