I’m a big enough person to admit when I’m wrong, and I was very much so when I suggested that the mainstream media’s coverage of Superbowl 44 had hit rock bottom with their breathless reporting of new logos.  While we’ve been talking about important things like Superbowl betting and Grady Sizemore’s shame over his naked pics, the mainstream sports media continues to leave no stone unturned in their effort to find anything approximating a relevant subplot during the news drought that always precedes the actual football game between the champions of the AFC and NFC.  The nadir of mainstream Superbowl reporting may have taken place today, but there’s still time before the game to sink even lower.

ESPN, as always, is the ‘worldwide leader’ in this pointless drivel.  Today’s main story over at their website talks about how Tom Benson and Jim Irsay’s lives finally have meaning now that their teams have reached the Superbowl.  Never mind that Irsay has already *won* a Superbowl, and both are really rich guys that own NFL teams and–in Benson’s case at least–have smoking hot wives less than half their age.  The erstwhile journalists over at ESPN won’t let mere facts get in the way of a tortured and extended rationalization, and that’s the type of self absorption and cluelessness that you’ll only get from the highest level of sports writer.

And you know you’ve been waiting with feverish anticipation for it, and ESPN delivers–I’m talking about Tony Dungy’s incisive Superbowl analysis.  And Dungy pulls no punches, offering the shocking opinion that he thinks the Colts will win going away:

“I think they’re going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, ‘Oh, ho-hum, he played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship,’ ” Dungy said of Manning on Thursday. “He’s going to have those rings Sunday night. I don’t think it’s going to be close.”

While Dungy may end up being right on this account, its the old ‘blind squirrel finds acorn’ concept.  From his one sided analysis you’d think that Dungy had some sort of personal allegiance to the Colts…oh, wait…anyway, in other shocking news former Saints’ QB and current New Orleans sports anchor Bobby Hebert thinks the Saints will win.

In other breaking news, NFL commish Roger Goodell made the bold statement today that he’d rather see progress in labor negotiations with the NFL Players Association than have a work stoppage.

But don’t worry, true believers, ESPN has you covered on your Superbowl betting needs as well.  You can pay to become an ‘ESPN Insider’ and get the line moving analysis of Chad Millman, who once wrote a book where he interviewed professional gamblers and bookmakers which presumably makes him an expert.  I’ve used this analogy before, but this is akin to writing a book interviewing neurosurgeons and then thinking that you’re qualified to work on your dad’s frontal lobe on the dining room table.  Millman also wrote a biography of former UFC light heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell, so we’ll await his columns about how to easily kick the ass of a trained professional fighter since he’s no doubt an expert on that as well.

Not surprisingly, the best Superbowl news stories today have been humorous parodies, starting with The Onion who offered a column about Saints and Colts fans considering the philosophical significance of a Superbowl victory:

“We always say that one football team ‘wins’ the Super Bowl and one football team ‘loses’ it, but when you think about it—really think about it outside the narrow framework of scoring points—is that an accurate assessment of what happens?” Wheeling, WV resident Matthew Holland said. “One team celebrates while another walks solemnly back into the tunnel, but why? Another football season will begin again soon, and in the fullness of time, another Super Bowl will be played as if nothing had happened. And in a way, nothing has.”

Holland’s ambivalence toward what he calls “the tenuous and ephemeral concept of victory” is representative of a large and growing movement in football fandom. Although Super Bowl parties are going ahead as scheduled, many are puzzled, and even resentful, saying that in the span of a lifetime nobody ever really wins or loses, a fact that, by natural deduction, would also include Super Bowl participants.

“Name one absolute thing that makes one team a Super Bowl winner and the other a loser besides the score,” Colts fan Gary Lam said. “You can’t. It’s all relative. They both play in the same game for the same amount of time in the same sport after playing the same number of games. Any differences, such as how many times one team gets the ball to a certain area or propels it through the uprights, are relatively minor. Saying that scoring fewer points is what makes a loser is disingenuous.”

Nerve compiled a list of some of the worst Superbowl halftime shows in history and I had thankfully forgotten about their top choice–the Superbowl 29 halftime show entitled ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye’:

To promote their new Indiana Jones-themed ride at Disneyland, Disney decided to put on a halftime show with a detailed plot. Allow me to describe it:

The Super Bowl trophy has been stolen and taken to the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. The temple is guarded by Patti LaBelle, who sings “Release Yourself.” Arriving on the scene via parachute is Indiana Jones (not played by Harrison Ford) and Marion Ravenwood (not played by Karen Allen), who venture to Club Disneyland fighting bad guys, while Tony Bennett and the Miami Sound Machine entertain the club’s patrons. Eventually, the duo make it to the Temple, and without looking into the aforementioned Forbidden Eye, reclaim the Super Bowl trophy for the winner of the Big Game. Then Patti LaBelle sings “New Attitude,” followed by a duet with Tony Bennett on The Lion King’s “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?”

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but video of this train wreck is not so surprisingly absent from YouTube. Instead, we’ll give you the teaser for the new Cherry Dr. Pepper commercial featuring KISS:

Fortunately, you’re a Sports Untapped reader so you’re not subjected to all of the mainstream sports media nonsense.  Over the next 24 hours we’ll give you the news that *really* matters as we finish up our exhaustive analysis of Superbowl betting–from a professional sports bettor with 20+ years experience no less–including the side and total positions for the game.  Until then, enjoy this funny clip from Slate about the Superbowl through the eyes of ‘real film makers’:

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5. Tony Dungy Thinks The Saints Suck